Gender demons

My gender is demonic. I don’t just mean that in reference to my name, either. I was playing around with a Picrew creator the other day and I don’t really know what I was trying to create – something that represented me, I think.

Before I knew it, choices were happening without much input from my higher functions. I was picking options instinctively more than intellectually. And the picture that was emerging was not entirely human.

A many-eyed demon with pale blue hair, horns, and bat wings eating sushi and wielding a knife menacingly
This is my gender now.
Art style and Picrew image creator by Eli Nova

A many-eyed demon with curling horns and bat wings is pretty par for the course. The sushi and knife serve to indicate that I am in the middle of things and I will cut you if you mess with me. The trembling lips indicate that not all is right with the world.

But what caught me on this was that I felt no need to try and reduce the femininity of the image. That this demon I created was andro-femme with a femme fashion choice was the right choice, both for this image and for me.

And thus, my gender is a demon. The demon pictured above. It is a picture that uniquely called to me and which felt more right to me than many others that I have created or seen.

I am not the most feminine of people. My build is quite masculine – bulky, square, straight1in terms of body shape… I feel there is a lot of risk in attempting anything feminine for fear of looking like a man in a dress.

drunk man in a red dress wielding a Nerf Maverick
The fear…2This is not a photo of me

On the other hand, I know that it can be done well, that even masculine builds can look great in dresses.

Billy Porter in tuxedo gown
The dream…
Frazer Harrison – Getty Images

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve felt I had more feminine traits than masculine ones. Pretty sure I often walk in a more feminine way than not, for instance. I’ve often been jealous of the feminine form for having more options in terms of nice clothes, for being less lumbering and awkward…

I don’t think I have body dysmorphia, and I don’t think I have gender dysphoria to any huge degree. It isn’t something I intend to start seeing doctors about. I don’t think of myself as a woman, and never have. But I do think I am possibly able to admit to myself and others that my ideal form is andro-femme in appearance.

What will I do about this? Probably very little. At least until quarantine lifts and I can visit people and maybe get someone to help persuade me to try on some clothes and convince me to wear them on a regular basis.

A problem is that I have a style, and I’m quite happy with my style. I do sometimes think I should make more of an effort to put on my fancier style (who doesn’t like a good waistcoat) but honestly I need to do a much more significant investment to make that work and t-shirt and jeans just works… Being entrenched in a style rut makes it harder to break out into new patterns – especially when those patterns are quite different from what you’re used to.

So what will I do? I will post this and see what comes of the future.

I’m not going to share this post to Facebook. Maybe I’ll link to it, but if you’ve read this post and you’ve read this far then it’s because you’ve visited here, not because I broadcast these words in a way I thought people would be more guaranteed to read. There is very much a fear still, nerves that I am unable to overcome. But I can post this here, in my space, and see if anyone decides to read it. If you have, please tell me so I know.