Shades of grey

When I was growing up, it was simple. You were straight, or gay, and everything else was an aberration to some degree.

Transvestites were wrong, somehow. The idea of being a “man in a dress” is something I try to avoid to this day. I don’t want to look like a man in a dress, I want to just be wearing a dress.

But the binary has played a large part in Western society. Men and women; gays and straights. There was no question of not being in those categories.

And yet, here I am in the many shades of grey (and colour) that exist between the binary absolutes.

I recently signed up to a friend’s OnlyFans. I didn’t actually know they had one, but I wanted to support them and they’re cute as heck. So throwing some money at them seemed like a way to help out.

But I got to thinking when I saw one of their posts had a caption like “it’s wrong that no one is fucking me when I look this cute”. How do I feel about them? Would I fuck them? Yes, no question. Do I want to? That’s more complex. I like them and they are certainly cute. But they’re ace and I’m ace and honestly I don’t really think about people that way.

If I’m in a place with someone and we’re getting on and it seems to be going that way, I’m DTF. But I need to work up to it and I’m not always in the mood for it.

Also I ruin all my relationships by pushing my partners away because I’m unable to properly cope with my mental health responsibly or communicate that to other people. But that’s an entirely different post.

All this to say that I’m queer, I’m ace, and I can think a friend is cute while I watch them get themselves off on video without wanting to fuck them. Though I might not say no if they offered.