What do I owe you?

I’ve been feeling some guilt of late. Guilt that I’d left people off of my new Facebook profile. Guilt that there were people I didn’t want to face. Guilt that there were people who had asked to connect that I hadn’t dealt with yet.

I figured I’d address part of that. I spent an hour or so mulling over messaging people, trying to convey why I wasn’t adding them back without insult. I don’t really think there’s a way I could have no matter what I said and I was eventually convinced by a good friend that I didn’t need to say anything or do anything if I didn’t want to.

The end result of all of this was that I changed the profile pic and the cover image that made it more obvious who I was back to something less obvious. Something I might be more comfortable with. I ran away.

But the thing is… I don’t owe anyone anything. I don’t need to explain myself if I don’t want to, and I don’t need to let people into my life that I’m not ready to. I’ve probably added some people I wasn’t ready to add and it hasn’t gone terrible, but it could have.

Hi, since you sent a friend request, I guess you’ve figured out who I am (though the current profile pic doesn’t make that particularly hard).

This profile isn’t replacing the one you’re currently friends with – not yet at least – and is essentially a space for me to explore my identity and become comfortable with expressing that to people. As such, I’ve not been adding the hordes of LRPers I know because I am still trying to figure this out and I don’t want to break things before I’ve really started by opening it up beyond my comfort capacity.

Generally speaking, all my LRP content is still occurring on the other profile. This one isn’t being used to join LRP groups and I’m putting my LRP-focused posts on the other profile rather than this one.

If you’re interested in knowing more, I’ve copied some of my long-form posts from Facebook to my website. I recommend starting with https://eligos.co.uk/2020/02/15/great-duke-of-hell/

This is the message I drafted.

I am still not ready. Still not comfortable in this skin. Resurgences of depression and other stressors have not helped. But I can only do this at my pace and I shouldn’t push myself to be where other people think I should be, or to be someone I’m not ready to be yet.

Fear is still a massive issue. Reinventing yourself, rediscovering yourself, recognising your own identity: these are all terrifying things because you don’t know what you might find, and you don’t know how other people will react.

I can’t control how other people react. But I can control what I do. And I choose to wait – for now. Perfection is the enemy of good enough, and no one who waited for perfection ever saw it. True art is not known by its perfection but by its imperfection. But still, I’m not sure I’m at “good enough” yet – and there’s no rush to get there.

I don’t owe you anything, but I owe myself the benefit of time.

%d bloggers like this: